That Beard-Growing Sensation!

Mantastifest 2006!

2006-02-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

On final check-in Monday, we rocked an event known as Mantastifest 2006. Smoked sausage, chili...food as far as the eye could see! A glorious time was had by all.

One of the highlights of the event was the debut of the Mantastic Daisies. Taking their name and color scheme from the Daisy razor by Gillette, each Daisy chaperoned a different style of facial hair. Like a muse, if you will. Here are some of the fabulous photos from that amazing day.

Group Hug!

2006-02-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

Your Mantastic 2006 Champion!

2006-02-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Michael Clemens, aka The Clemmy.

Michael's prizes included:
$65 in Chicken Fees
The Fantastic Mantastic 2006 Mirror
One (1) 3-lb. Hickory Farms Beef Stick
One (1) original Starship Troopers T-shirt
Arnocorp's latest CD entitled The Greatest Band Of All Time
and one late donation, The Blue Box Gift Set from The Art of Shaving

A prize package fit for the Mantastic King!

Runners-up: Chuck Duke & Chris Morley (tie)

The Internet's All Brokey!

2006-02-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

The pipe was jammed and stuff just wasn't getting through this morning, but we're up to speed now. Rest assured, during the downtime we weren't sitting around on our hands. No! Tallying votes, adding yet another prize to the winner's package, and generally getting excited about the big announcement today at 4:30. Who is the champion? Who will be the new king? Who will be most Mantastic of all?!?

Get out your good luck stuff and perhaps take a sedative. It's....it's too much, really.

Can You Bear The Glory?

2006-02-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

Indiana Jones had his Temple of Doom. LeBron James had his Chamber of Fear. Mantastic 2006 has its Pyramid of Glory! It's too much for mortals to bear! My appendix is filling with terror and vile magnificence! Avert your eyes!

I can't look any more. It's too much. Click here if you think you can withstand the majestic onslaught of epic grandeur.

The Pyramid of Glory was researched and re-conceived by David Link, aka Mantasm.

Drum Roll, Please

2006-02-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Germans, here they are, your Mantastic 2006 Best In Class Winners! Congratulations!

These fine fellows will now go head-to-head for Best In Show!

Voting starts NOW!

Michael Clemens: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

The Lemmy

Prizes: The Best of Motorhead CD, Salame

Davy Wentworth: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:35:00.005-08:00

The Neanderthal

Prizes: Chewbacca Pez Dispenser, Gillette Fusion Power Razor, Salame

Chris Morley: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:35:00.004-08:00

Handlebars

Prizes: Manowar Limited Edition CD, Salame

Stacz Sadowski: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:35:00.003-08:00

The Amish

Prizes: Angry Scotsman gum, Hot & Spicy Spam, Manwich Sloppy Joe Sauce, Belkin USB Cable, Salame

Devin Breese: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:35:00.002-08:00

The Selleck

Prizes: Two (2) tickets to see Brokeback Mountain, Kewpie Mayonnaise, Salame

Adam Gerardin: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:35:00.001-08:00

The Neckbeard

Prizes: Conair Hot Lather Machine, Salame

Chuck Duke: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

Muttonchops

Prizes: 1 lb. McLaughlin Coffee, Tortuga Rum Cake, Salame

Don Howe: Winner!

2006-02-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

Amish Goatee

Prizes: King Tut Tissue Box Cover, Tortuga Rum Cake, Salame

Winners!

2006-02-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

This posting is a total tease. It's only to announce that the votes have all been collected, collated, and calculated. We know who the winners are! Great fun!

The winners of each class will be announced today at a ceremony in the 10th Street Milkgarten at 12:35 PM, where prizes will be distrubuted and champions lauded. It's going to be huge. After the ceremony, the winners will be posted here and the voting will commence for Best In Show.

Stand by for incredibly fun times!

Coup!

2006-02-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

Great news! The Facilities Department is cleaning out the refrigerators today and anything not claimed goes to the Mantastic 2006 prize packages! Happy days!

No, I'm kidding. That's not true. We're not going to be having leftover food as a prize. Unless there's something really good in there.

Shoptastic!

2006-02-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

Now that Election Fever has gripped you, it's a perfect time to stock up on more Mantastic 2006 gear! Don't be afraid! Everyone's doing it! Click here or on the Shoptastic button to the right.

Hot Dawg!!

Round One Voting Ends Today!

2006-02-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

The voting is going extremely well, but there are still a lot of voters who haven't voted. Today is the last day to throw your weight behind your Round One favorites.

Tomorrow morning we will announce the champions from each of the facial hair categories. After that, we move on to Best In Show.

I'm nearly seizing up with excitement. I will now auto-defibrillate myself by jabbing my finger into an electrical outlet.

There's Been A Lot Of Talk

2006-02-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

Lots of people have been coming up to me in the streets and asking, "What sort of a place do you work at where you can grow facial hair and not get fired?" Another favorite question is, "Do you guys all get together on weekends or after work to take those photos?" I've also been asked, "Got any spare change, buddy?" Pretty good questions, all in all, but I'm only going to answer one of them.

No, I don't have any change.

Har-har! Ok, back to business. All of these photos, with the exception of a rare few (Clemmy in Disneyland, for one), were taken during work hours. Monday, between the hours of 9 AM and 7 PM. We didn't organize any off-site, after-hours get-togethers. I see these guys enough; I don't need to see all of them outside of work, too. Eww. People gathered from their work areas, got their photos taken, then returned to their desks as you see them. Oh, sure, there was some embellishment, such as an Amish hat here or a sausage stuffed into a mouth there, but what you see is pretty much what we had walking the halls. Tony Lobay, for example, went from Programming's Employee of the Week to Renegade Outlaw Biker in a span of four weeks. Unreal. Nobody saw that coming.

I hope this answers your question. Yes, we did go from Normal to Nuts in a very short period of time. It's been a very interesting month around here, to be sure.

Thanks for your enthusiasm! Keep those questions coming, but stop asking me for money!

How To Vote

2006-02-07T16:31:00.000-08:00

Let the voting commence!

First thing we're voting for is the winner of each category. Each voter gets one vote per category for a total of eight (8) votes per person in the first round. You don't have to vote for every category. We understand that it might be too tough to pick just one Lemmy.

What are the voting criteria, you may ask? Well, here are some guidelines, tips, and whatnots to help you get started.

Voting Guidelines:

1a. Vote early. It's a sprint, not a marathon.

1b. Take your time in contemplation. What's your hurry?

2a. Go with the sympathy vote. Mantasticness is about heart. If you feel it's more Mantastic to sport a chump beard than a full one, then vote for the underdog. Bravery is good.

2b. Screw that pathetic crap! Is it really Mantastic to vote with your pity gland? Vote for the thickest, bushiest beard in the bunch. Volume rules! A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a Mantastic beard will deflect bullets!

3a. Match the David. Michelangelo went to all that trouble. Vote for the beard that looks most like the ideal.

3b. Cast your ballot for individual interpretation. Just because some punk PhotoShopped some beard onto an old statue doesn't mean he knows diddly about beards. Vote for the contestant with the most style, or the one who photographs the best, or is the most ridiculous.

4. Every vote counts. Vote for your best friend, even if he can only grow 3 hairs on his face. Nepotism is fun!

5. Ignore these guidelines. One man's trash is another man's neckbeard.

More Prizes

2006-02-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, we've officially lost our minds now. The Committee didn't feel that there were enough prizes so we went shopping today. We scored some really great deals and used our coupons and can now offer even bigger prize packages! What did we get? I'll tell you:

- The Very Best of Motorhead CD
- One (1) Molinari & Sons Half-Pound Dry Salame per category. Yes! Eight (8) salames to give away!
- Manowar's CD Warriors of the World - Special Limited Tour Edition Shape CD!

In addition to all of that, we've received one more donation: One (1) pack of Angry Scotsman Chewing Gum. "So minty fresh, it'll put the starch back in yer kilt!"

I'm exhausted.

Without Further Ado...

2006-02-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

Our final Mantastic 2006 check-in was a wonderful affair, attended by local politicians, foreign dignitaries, local working girls, and rich socialites. A grand time was had by all. In the coming week, during the voting, I will be posting photos from this gala event, but for now, I give you...

The Mantastic 2006 Final Photo Check-In!

The Lemmys

2006-02-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

The Sellecks

2006-02-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

The Neanderthals

2006-02-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

The Handlebars

2006-02-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

The Neckbeards

2006-02-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

The Amish

2006-02-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

The Amish Goatees

2006-02-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

The Muttonchops

2006-02-07T11:33:00.000-08:00

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2006-02-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

You'll get your photos. I promise. For some reason, and the accompanying image here might give you a clue, I can't seem to get everything posted in the speedy manner that you're clamoring for. Let me make one thing clear, though: I hear you, I know you want the photos, and if I had a machete, I'd dismember every last one of you that's been bugging me since yesterday.

Thanks for your patience.

How Did The Photo Shoot Go?

2006-02-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

It went this well.

Photo progressions coming soon!

Prediction!

2006-02-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

We all know how well my predictions turn out, so I'll make another one.

I believe that 8 people will have their facial hair shaved by the time the workday ends.

You heard it here first.

We Made It!

2006-02-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Today is the last official day of growth. Boy howdy! Whatever you can squeeze out between now and check-in time.

The fun starts after the latest photos are up. It's voting season! Yes, voting will start the second that the final images are available.

More info on voting procedures, rules, and tips will be posted soonish. Stand by for everything!

Sick!

Skunks Are Mantastic

2006-02-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

It's the truth.

Last night, as I was taking my dog out for the courtesy pee right before bed, he spied a skunk and went shit-house crazy. He was twisting through the air like a marlin, struggling to get loose from the leash, as I played the fisherman, trying to reel in the big catch. He yanked himself free from his collar and tore off after the skunk into the darkness. I ran after them thinking, "This won't end well," but for all the wrong reasons. A 60 pound maniac dog, single-minded in his purpose, versus a wobbly, slow-moving Earth creature, right? It was going to be a bloodbath. I heard the impact as my kid plowed into the skunk and then I heard nothing. I finally got to the crash site (I have the metabolism of a cheetah, but not the foot speed) just in time to see the skunk sauntering away, as if absolutely nothing at all had happened. He might as well have been wearing a fedora on his head set at a jaunty angle with an overcoat casually slung over his shoulder, whistling a happy tune. But where the @#$ was my kid? Oh, that would be him over there, writhing in pain, foaming at the mouth, desperately trying to get whatever was on him off, and hoarking for all he was worth. Once he got a little composure, he came right to my side (a rarity). He knew he needed help and he needed it right away. Man down! I learned a little something about skunk juice at that moment. It's not just stinky. That stuff is like mace! My boy took a blast of pepper spray right in his wheelhouse and was paying a heavy price. The anguish and puking re-commenced inside the house and lasted another 20 minutes.

Upon reflection, I realized that the skunk was 100% built for that type of scenario. Slow of foot, the skunk would quite naturally be attacked from behind quite often. He's not going to outrun anyone and he knows it. All he has to do is raise his tail and hit the gas at the precise moment that instinct informs him. It's almost unfair how perfect it is. I figure that the impact I heard was all momentum. My boy probably didn't even see the skunk when he hit him, because he was dead blind. A pile of meat shaped like a dog hurtling forward at 20 mph. As aimless as a baby carriage shoved down the Odessa steps.

So let's recap. A gentile, defenseless, and cute little woodland creature takes down a dog five times his size, renders him sick and useless (requiring a team of four tag-teaming adults to give him four baths; three in liquid cleanser, one in tomato juice cocktail), stinks up an entire neighborhood, nearly makes my house uninhabitable, and keeps everyone up until 2 AM. And after two showers of my own and countless washes, my hands still have the taint of skunk.

That is raw power, my friends. That is Mantastic.

The Horn Of Plenty

2006-02-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

Let me see if I can actually list all of the prizes. Can you make a list that's infinity long?

$65 cash
The Fantastic Mantastic Mirror
Two (2) tickets to see Brokeback Mountain
Arnocorps' latest CD entitled "The Greatest Band Of All Time"
One (1) pound of coffee from McLaughlin Coffee Company
Two (2) Tortuga Caribbean Rum Cakes
Chewbacca Pez Dispenser w/ Pez
Instant Hot Lather Machine, by Conair
King Tut Tissue Box Cover
Gillette Fusion Power 6-Blade Razor
One (1) can Hot & Spicy Spam
One (1) tube Kewpie Mayonnaise
One (1) 6-foot Belkin USB2 Hi-Speed Cable
One (1) 3-lb. Hickory Farms Beef Stick

Jeepers. Did I forget anything?

As mentioned before, these prizes will be broken up amongst the categories. We'll let you know when all of that has been decided. The Committee is going to work it out Constipated Accountant-style: with a pencil.

Celebrity Moustachios

2006-02-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

Fun "what if?" times, courtesy of the good folks at Ebaum's World.

Click here for more!

Suicide Watch

2006-02-03T12:14:00.000-08:00

You ever see An Officer And A Gentleman with a very beardless, but insanely Mantastic Louis Gossett, Jr.? Well, there was that one cadet, the one who wasn't named Richard Gere, who scored himself a really cute townie, fell in love with her, assumed that she loved him for who he was, but it turned out that she just wanted to catch herself an officer, but he didn't know that so he quit the Air Force mere days from completing his training to be with her, proposed marriage, got dumped because he wasn't an officer candidate anymore, and then hung himself because he realized what a chump he was. Remember that guy? Remember what the cute townie said about him? She said something akin to, Who drops out this close to graduation? Who drops out this close to the finish line?

Ladies and gendarmes, I give you Jess Vickery, former Mantastic 2006 contestant. Like Jim Brown, he shaved mere days before the final check-in. Who shaves this far in? The humiliating part is over. Now it's just a matter of waiting it out. But no. Something (or someone) made these guys flip out and shave.

My suggestion is that we watch these kids really closely. Once they realize how badly they blew it, we could find them swinging in a closet anytime soon.

As a matter of fact, I'm suggesting we send someone down there to confiscate their belts. We can't take a chance.

Clémentine Delait

2006-02-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

Do you have to be a man to be Mantastic?

Clémentine Delait was a classic "femme a barbe" - a woman with moustache. But she was so much more as evidenced by this first-hand account:

"Elle avait bien raison de se trouver mieux avec, n'est-ce pas?"

I have no idea what that means, but there's more like it on this website, although I'd guess it means something like, "Jeez O' Pete, that's woman's got a giant beard!"

Casualty!

2006-02-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

Well, not so much a casualty as someone who revealed his soft, white underbelly.

James Brown is now officially out of the contest. The question is: was he pushed? His excuse was that he had to go to meet with the director of our new in-house project. Seems reasonable....or not. Let me put it to you this way: He was interviewed for a featurette for the DVD release of our most recent project, not only in full Handlebar, but wearing his Mantastic 2006 t-shirt and angling his body to the camera so it could read the shirt loud and clear.

Hmm....

Let's review:

- A permanent DVD record of his moustache and shirt which will be available to the globe for less than $20 or the price of a rental: Mantastic.
- A fleeting get-together with a director who's already forgotten his name and the meeting itself: Shaved.

Either there was some heavy pressure coming from above or James Brown is as downy soft as a week old duckling.

I'll leave it to you to decide for yourselves.

I Will Now Jam A Pitchfork Through My Foot

2006-02-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

I don't know what else to say anymore, except that it's an embarrassment of riches. Let me share a note with you that I received with this latest prize donation:

"I have passed by this item many a time, just waiting for an excuse to purchase one...

Needless to say, Mantastic 2006 has provided me with such an excuse.

I believe it is a perfect addition to your Schwag Bag.

Go ahead, give it a gentle squeeze...it's positively disgusting and charming all at once...a perfect combination.

PLEASE just don't tell me what it is used for by the winner..."

It was signed, simply, "X."

It's Kewpie Mayonnaise and you know you want it.

One last thing. I don't want a stampede to my desk of Philistines looking to get their hairy mitts on the mayo for a foul squeeze (And I will corroborate that notion: it's a pleasureably revolting sensation!). Squeezes are for closers!

Do Mine Eyes Deceive Me?

2006-02-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

Methinks not!

Hello, and welcome to a new episode of Another Sweet Mantastic Prize!

Today's prize contribution comes from the man who loves Spam so much that he's got an actual Spam collection. Ken Voss, Mr. Handlebar 2006, has donated, from his private stash, a can of Hot & Spicy Spam from the good people at Hormel. Flavored with Tabasco Brand Pepper Sauce, Hot & Spicy Spam is a valued guest at any Mantastic's dinner table. Only dinner, you ask? Oh, no. Spam is good any time of the day. Breakfast. Brunch. Lunch. Second Breakfast. Eleven-sies. You can grill it, bake it, broil it, microwave it, or eat it cold right out of the can.

Special thanks to Ken and his amazing sacrifice, unless he's so cocky that he's assuming that he'll just win back his can of prized meat. If that's the case, I say, "Battle!!"

If you have a moment, be sure to stop by Ken Voss' Unreasonably Cool Spam Museum, located behind his desk. No sampling!

Mind = Blown

2006-02-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

Thank you and good night.

Add another brilliant prize to the list. Yes. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, it's true. No, I'm not making this shit up. Yes, the prize package is insane.

Ladies and Neanderthals, I present to you the Gillette Fusion Power. You heard that right. That's the full name. Let me run down some of the brain-melting features on this baby.

1. It's got a battery in it that emits "gentle micro-pulses for an incredible shaving experience." For a moment, let's forget about the crazy micro-pulse craziness that the marketers are pushing. Let's get right to the nut of it: it's got a freaking battery!! A non-electric, manual, hand-operated, human-powered safety razor that has a battery in it. Next thing you know, you'll be reheating leftovers by irradiating them with micro-sized waves of energy. Science!

2. It's got six (6) blades. Yes. Six. Catch your breath yet? Well, sit back down, Old Gringo, because here's a news flash: One of the blades is on the back of the razor. The dad-gum back! Let me repeat that, mostly because I don't believe it. ONE OF THE SIX BLADES IS ON THE @#$ REAR! I think my heart stopped beating.

3. It's orange.

I will now slam my head in a car door.

Note: This wonderful contribution was made by Nicole, lovely wife of contestant Matt Hoard, who you all bitched and moaned about letting into the competition. When the winner of this unbelievable prize is having an incredible shaving experience while getting dosed with micro-pulses, you can thank your lucky stars that I don't listen to you people very much.

Are You Kidding Me?

2006-02-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

Another prize? Well, shut my mouth.

King Tut rose to the throne at the age of nine and burned so brightly that he had to die at age 19. He married his sister, produced two stillborn girls, may have been murdered, spawned one of Batman's most nefarious arch-villains, and became the most popular Pharoah of all time, bar none. His body was exhumed and dismembered in the 1920s and he embarked on one of history's biggest and most well-attended world tours in the 1980s - bigger than Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Slim Whitman, and the Beatles combined. Now he comes to you as a tissue box replica of his sarcophagus. The tissues come out his nose, just like his brain did in the procedure prior to mummification, which is ironic, because when you're sick and those giant hunks of mucus are blasting out of your nose when you blow, I bet it sometimes feels as though your frontal lobe is shaking loose and spewing out your nostrils.

Since the prize pile is getting so huge, The Committee will meet to discuss the proper distribution of prizes across all contest categories.

The Mantastic's Credo

2006-01-31T18:16:00.000-08:00

Mantastic Op-Ed Piece

2006-01-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

I'm Sick Of The Whining! by John Koester

I just have to say I'm a little ashamed of the whining going on around the Mantastic blog.

Jesus Christ, how simple are the rules. Pick a style, live with it for a month. How freaking hard is it to figure out how long a month is? What?! They didn't know their hair would grow? Jonathan Knight's the only one making me proud. Taking it like the MAN we all know he is. Gravel and disembowled animals? Shit doesn't get more Mantastic than that. I think he's a lifer.

For the rest of them? "Ohhhh, my face itches!" "My wife wants me to shave!" Who the hell are these people? How did they get jobs in this industry? (Ed. note: It's a pansy industry, that's how.) I want names. It's bad enough Eric J and I have to live through the deriding comments from the contestants in our area (mostly Jim Brown) because we refused to give up our Mantastic lifestyles just for the sake of a month long contest. We live Mantastic! Every fucking day. It's a commitment. It's not a game. It's where we live.

Let em tear their faces off and go crying to mommy I say. The sooner we find out who we can count on the better.

Love the T-shirts.

Says Here...

2006-01-31T15:52:00.000-08:00

...that pickled onions are Mantastic. I'm not going to disagree. Anyone want to debunk that notion, I say, "Go ahead and try." Three cheers for Kane for busting out a little UK/Amish glory and bringing pickled onions from his own homebrewed stash for us to sample. I can feel my back hair growing.

What The Eff Is Beardsley?

2006-01-31T14:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know, but all you need to know is that it's available now!

Pulitzer Prize-worthy Journalism

2006-01-31T12:17:00.000-08:00

A Man’s Honor Lies in His Mustache
Arab News

RIYADH, 21 August 2005 — A young Saudi went to a local barbershop to have his hair cut and left without his mustache, Al-Madinah reported. The young man gave specific instructions to the barber on how to cut his hair. Instead the barber removed half the man’s mustache. The young man was in shock, staring for a few minutes, refusing to believe his mustache was gone. He beat the barber and attacked him with a razor blade. People in the shop saved the barber from the man who had threatened to put him in the intensive care unit for having removed the most valuable thing on his face.

More Arab News here.

Celebrity Mantasm Stage 2

2006-01-31T10:07:00.000-08:00

Steady as she goes, Steve. Stay the course!

Quote Of The Week

2006-01-31T09:46:00.000-08:00

"Neanderthals don't shave at all. We just wash our faces in gravel and pine cones after we dirty our beards with the warm blood of a freshly disemboweled large mammal."

- Jonathan Knight, when questioned regarding razor burn treatments.

Week #3 Check-In!

2006-01-30T15:22:00.000-08:00

We're at an interesting point in the competition now. We're past the "ha-ha-ha, isn't this funny?" stage and sliding quickly into the "when the @#$ do I get to shave this @#$ off??" period. I've fielded many comments about how people want to tear their faces right off their faces. A multitude of people have confided in me that, yes, they nearly shaved the whole thing off yesterday. Complaints from the wife, the kids, the neighbors, the cops, local government officials. It's getting pretty torquey around here. Lots of stress and strain. One more week to go, people. We're really close. We've only had one drop-out so far and he had the weight of impending fatherhood bearing heavily down upon him. What's your excuse?

Who's going to crack?
Who's got what it takes?
Who has the right stuff?

Who will be Mantastic?

On to the photos!

The Muttonchops

2006-01-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

Jess Vickery

Nate Reid

Robert Dorris

David Schnee

Chuck Duke

The Handlebars

2006-01-30T15:18:00.006-08:00

James Brown

Mark Tamny

Jance Rubinchik

Tom Gilchrist

Chris Morley

Ken Voss

Dan Riha

The Neanderthals

2006-01-30T15:18:00.005-08:00

Joel Friesch

Davy Wentworth

Jonathan Knight

The Neckbeards

2006-01-30T15:18:00.004-08:00

Adam Gerardin

Daniel Bryant

Matt Tomlinson

The Sellecks

2006-01-30T15:18:00.003-08:00

Brian Smith

Devin Breese

Garth Parr

Neal Hoover

Clear Menser

The Amish

2006-01-30T15:18:00.002-08:00

Kane Brassington

Jonny Tal

Will Elder-Groebe

Kirk Larkins

Stacz Sadowski

The Amish Goatees

2006-01-30T15:18:00.001-08:00

Blaise Panfalone

Don Howe

Lee Hahn

Matt Hoard

The Lemmys

2006-01-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

Tony Lobay

David Link

Michael Clemens

David Gibson

Get To The Stores!

2006-01-30T13:28:00.000-08:00

Why are you still reading?

Paper Goods

2006-01-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

Which do you prefer? Which is more Mantastic?

You decide!

Revenge Of The Ex-Patron Saint

2006-01-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

It seems as though George Clooney has been hand-picked for the role of Thomas Magnum in the upcoming feature-length motion picture adaptation of Magnum, P.I., which was originally played by Tom Selleck. Are you starting to get it? Do you see that we're hip deep in synergy and irony?? Is this some sort of ploy on The Clooney's part to get back in the good graces of Mantastic 2006? He hasn't committed to the role yet, but I'd imagine, with possible Patron Saint reinstatement hanging in the balance, he's giving it a lot of thought. Click here for more details.

My head is swimming. I will now jab cocktail umbrellas into my neck, Frankenstein-style.

New Prize!

2006-01-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know. You're tired of hearing it, but we've got yet another fabulous prize donation.

Ladies and Germs, it's the Instant Hot Lather Machine, by Conair.

- Designed for easy one-handed use
- Heats up in approximately 1 minute
- Works with standard size or large size shaving cream cans
- Ready indicator light
- Hot lather softens beard so your whiskers can be shaved close with less irritation.
- Your face will feel smooth and comfortable.

To the winner goes the spoils. Boy howdy!

Mantastic Op-Ed Piece

2006-01-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Tom Selleck Is Most Definitely Mantastic, by Chris Gollaher

I must tell you I'm shocked-- no, stunned-- to see on the admittedly-hilarious "Mantastic" site that there is even some question as to Mr. Selleck's suitability to be considered Mantastic? WHAT?!? Dude, this guy re-invented Mantastic cool in the 80's. He single-handedly brought the 'stache back into style, outlawed since the early seventies. And we're not talking some weak-ass porn 'stache here-- this was the real deal. He could hide a sandwich in there, man! Now, that alone is Mantastic, but pile onto that the hirsuteness of the man, who did not give in to any sissy-boy body-shaving "manscaping" nonsense, and you've got 80's Mantasticness defined. Sure, there may have been a fall from Mantastic grace with the bordering-on-chickflickish "Friends" appearance (sans 'stache, no less), but that must be considered in context with Magnum. Dude was named after a gun, man! Dude capped Ivan, who may or may not have seen the sunrise, in cold blood!! On top of that, he wore a Detroit Tigers hat. C'mon, man, you don't get more Mantastic that Detroit "Kick Your Ass And Take Your Lunch Money" Motor-effing-City, man. (OK, maybe Pittsburgh, but Bill Cowher's got Mantastic covered over there.)

Man. Next you'll be saying Sean Connery ain't Mantastic. You see that guy's 'stache in Zardoz? Forgetaboutit.

Our First Casualty

2006-01-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

It's never fun being the first one to drop out, especially when so much ridicule is at stake, but our dear friend Matthew Tomlinson can hardly be blamed. Matthew's wife is pregnant up deep and ready to spew. After she went into contractions this weekend and the doctor uttered the words that Matthew feared the most ("We may have to induce labor..."), everyone's favorite Neckbeard sped to the nearest drug store to pick up some lather and a blade. While it's true that he'll take a bit of razzing in the coming weeks, he can rest easy knowing that his daughter/son will not have her/his first photo taken with Dad and his hideous facial hair.

Matt, we're sorry to see you go.

Clip & Send!

2006-01-27T13:50:00.002-08:00

Copy and paste this handy item into an email and send it to all of your Mantastic Curious friends. They'll thank you for it!

Don't Forget!

2006-01-27T13:50:00.001-08:00

Power and glory awaits! Purchase Mantastic 2006 gear to show off what you're really made of!

Click the Shoptastic button over there on the right. I'll be glad you did.

Are You Mantastic?

2006-01-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

Your reaction to this photo may give you some insight.

Movie Magic!

2006-01-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Is it real or is it hyper-real? That's the question we ask ourselves every day here at the studio. Is that rat actually talking? Is Tim Allen the creepiest man-dog ever? Is Keanu Reeves a good actor? Some days, it's hard to tell the truth from fiction. This applies to Mantastic 2006, as well. The question that often comes to my mind is: "How in the world could we really convince over 30 people that participating in Mantastic 2006 would be a good idea? Should I run for fricking President in 2008 with those powers of persuasion?"

In a grand tradition that stretches from Lumiere Brothers to the Wachowski Brothers, our very own Blair Clark has transformed himself from Man to Mantastic using the tricks and tools of the trade. Next time you see Blair, try not to stare in disbelief.

$5

2006-01-27T10:16:00.000-08:00

To anyone who can explain to me just what in thee world is going on in this photo. When I look at this photo, I feel minutes being shaved off the end of my life.

The one thing I do understand is that the "M" medallion stands for "Mantastic." I mean, what else could it be? Nothing.

If It's Friday...

2006-01-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

...this must be your Monday Check-In Reminder!

Don't forget to come to work with your styles carved and your smiles on. Photos will be taken in the Sodagarten at 10th St. starting at 4:35.

See you there!

A Mantastic Limerick

2006-01-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

An expectant father named Matt
A foul neckbeard also begat.
When his new baby spied it,
She ruefully eyed it,
And wailed: "Daddy swallowed the cat!"

- by Steve Edelson, Celebrity Mantasm

Ok! Enough Already!

2006-01-26T18:52:00.000-08:00

Stop bombarding me. I get the point. Here it is for all to read:

Kevin Costner is not Mantastic.

Let's all try to get on with our lives now.

Artist's Renditions

2006-01-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

This triptych is entitled "The Living Tribunal" and it's by Mantastic 2006 artist Brian Smith, reknowned for his hair simulating skills.

An Amish, a Handlebar, and a Selleck Walk Into A Bar...

2006-01-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well....

It seems as though the pressure might be getting to some Mantasticles. As those of you who work here know, the Roto department is a little...funky. We're crammed into what is essentially an attic, with air that doesn't move, and temperatures that regularly soar into the upper reaches of the 70s and sometimes the 80s. (Do you think I'm joking? Stop by today around 5 PM and see how long you last.) Add to that the fact that five out of the eight employees are deeply involved in Mantastic 2006 and you've got a situation that's bristling with torque. Two handlebars, a muttonchop, a Selleck and an Amish. The three who aren't involved are a girl, the boss, and an Asian, so we've pretty much got everyone possible involved.

This morning came just like the others, it seemed. It was getting sultry up here, I was listening to 70's porno music, Kane was working on his staying-awake skills and plotting world overthrow while wearing his Amish hat, and Brian was shouting "Gay club!" at random intervals whilst wearing mirrored Aviators. I got up to stretch my legs and noticed that there were two pieces left from the cake I baked last night (??!?!?!?!!). Rarely do baked goods last to 9:45 in this department as we're a pretty ravenous bunch and the jackals from the neighboring department usually clean out the scraps toot quick. The following is a nearly verbatim transcript of the ensuing dialog:

Rally Chimp: "What the F? There's cake left?"
Brian: "Dude, I had two pieces!"
Rally Chimp: "What about Kane?"
Brian: "Kane have you had your vitamin Cake yet?"
Kane: "No."

Kane swiveled his chair and dutifully got up to eat a piece of cake, as if it was some sort of mandate from our newly fascist government. I then proceeded down to the bathroom to get some fresh air and take the biggest dump of the week.

Have you ever heard of those experiments where they isolate people and after a short while they lose their ability to reason and use common sense? The book Lord of the Flies would be an example, except that it was fiction, but you get the idea. Imagine Lord of the Flies, except that the kids all had to grow beards. You think that might be going on here?

I will now douse myself in lamp oil.

Best Group Competition

2006-01-25T16:00:00.000-08:00

You may consider this to be An Official Announcement.

We've added another voting category: Best Group. To foster a sense of harmony and teamwork in addition to the bitter animosity we're already cultivating, we're pitting the categories against each other. It's also an opportunity to get uber-creative. While you're trash talking your fellow group members, think about a photo opportunity for the lot of you. Let's use the Amish as an example, as it lends itself most obviously to a theme. Authentic costuming? Hats or no hats? What sort of backdrop could you PhotoShop in? Farmland? Everyone crammed in a buggy? Barn raising? Milking time? What about other categories? What do Lemmy's look like when they get together? The Sellecks? Do you go for the obvious or pull out something a little more bizarre, a little more daring, a little more incomprehensible?

The sky is the limit and we encourage you to get as nutty as you'd like. There is no prize for this at present, but bragging rights seems to be incentive enough with this group, no? I've heard you arguing over who got the best donut on Friday mornings, so having something semi-legitimate like this should really get your engines revved. The group photos need to be submitted by Wednesday, the 8th.

Best of luck, you freaks!

Mantastic: Yes or No?

2006-01-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

The Hairiest

2006-01-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

You know him, you love him, he's everyone's favorite Mantastic space ape, Chewbacca, in Pez form, and he's now a part of the greatest prize package ever. Bob Barker can bite me, because the Showcase Showdown has nothing on this haul. You couldn't over-estimate the monetary value of this bonanza, because numbers don't go that high! It's true. I've tried.

Thanks to Kane for the fabulous prize donation. No thanks to Kane for bestowing the "C-3PO: Gayest Droid Ever" Pez dispenser on me.

Celebrity Mantasm

2006-01-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Steve Edelson, Mantastic Fan and studio finanicial guru. He's not officially in the competition, but he's growing a Lemmy, just for laughs! Jesus, Mary and Papa Smurf! I'll tell you something right now: nobody saw that shit coming. Nobody! He just walked into yesterday's check-in like he owned the place and sat down for his photo. I would say I was stunned into silence, but for the hooting and hollering coming out of my moustachioed mouth. If I'd been wearing a Crap Hat at the time, I'd have had myself some tasty brew for the afternoon, if you know what I mean.

Big round of applause for Steve. Don't mess with the man growing a Lemmy with no chance for financial or beef stick reward.

Mantastic Invention

2006-01-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

What will they think of next?

During a particularly grueling brainstorming session, one of our Mantastic 2006 contestants came up with a semi-brilliant idea for a product that the world has lived too long without. Here's how it was described to me:

"It's like one of those beer helmets, with the tubes that come down to your mouth, except that this one automatically fills up with beer whenever you crap your pants."

He wouldn't say whether the technology essential to this product's success already exists or if he was developing it himself. He'd obviously need some highly tuned sensors, servos, and micro-pumps, as well as a reservoir of some sort, but perhaps it's even more advanced than that.

The working titles for this contraption are "The Shit Helmet" or "The Crap Hat." He's said to be mulling over a cold-weather version called "The Poo Beanie."

The Committee will let you decide for yourself if this is something that would fill a niche in your life or not once out on the market.

The Clemmy In Space

2006-01-23T18:35:00.000-08:00

The Clemmy is currently doing his duty to help rid the universe of bad people and sent us this photo from the front lines (aka Disneyland). He's obviously kicking ass, as indicated by his score. He will be returning to Earth on Wednesday and we'll get an updated photo of him then.

Infinity and beyond, mon friere.

Week #2 Check-In!

2006-01-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

It's starts right here.

For those of you aren't local or can't make it down for the photo shoot, let me tell you, it's a lively affair. We swap stories, pal around, and laugh, laugh, laugh. The laughing is probably to stave off the crying.

Ok, enough chit-chat! Here they are! Week 2!

The Neanderthals

2006-01-23T17:32:00.007-08:00

Joel Friesch

Davy Wentworth

Jonathan Knight

The Handlebars

2006-01-23T17:32:00.006-08:00

James Brown

Mark Tamny

Jance Rubinchik

Tom Gilchrist

Chris Morley

Ken Voss

Dan Riha

The Amish Goatees

2006-01-23T17:32:00.005-08:00

Blaise Panfalone

Don Howe

Lee Hahn

Matt Hoard

The Neckbeards

2006-01-23T17:32:00.004-08:00

Adam Gerardin

Daniel Bryant

Matt Tomlinson

The Muttonchops

2006-01-23T17:32:00.003-08:00

Jess Vickery

Nate Reid

Robert Dorris

David Schnee

Chuck Duke

The Sellecks

2006-01-23T17:32:00.002-08:00

Brian Smith

Devin Breese

Garth Parr

Neal Hoover

Clear Menser

The Amish

2006-01-23T17:32:00.001-08:00

Kane Brassington

Jonny Tal

Will Elder-Groebe

Kirk Larkins

Stacz Sadowski

The Lemmys

2006-01-23T17:32:00.000-08:00

Tony Lobay

David Link

Michael Clemens

David Gibson

Quote Of The Day

2006-01-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

When asked how his Neckbeard was going, Matt Tomlinson, Mantastic 2006 contestant, replied:

"I really hate going outside."

That may not sound terribly Mantastic, but do note that he's growing The Neckbeard and he hasn't dropped out yet. Two very important points.

Yet ANOTHER Prize Donation! Unreal!

2006-01-23T15:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say anymore about all of these fabulous prize donations except, "Thank you," and, "More, please!"

Mark McLaughlin, brother of Shaun McLaughlin of the McLaughlin Coffee Company, recently went on a cruise to Jamaica and the Cayman Islands and brought back some delicious rum cakes from Tortuga, the company that brings you a taste of the islands!

The Committee is in the process of refashioning the prize structure and distribution, as it is getting more and more top heavy as the days roll on. We'll let you know more details as they're invented.

If you're thinking of donating a prize yourself, The Committee encourages you to do so. Having too many prizes is a nice problem to have. We'll work it out; don't you worry.

ANOTHER Prize Donation!

2006-01-23T13:41:00.000-08:00

Jeepers creepers, this is getting beautifully out of hand! Due to another incredibly generous donation, the prize stock keeps growing and growing!

Shaun McLaughlin of McLaughlin Coffee Company in Emeryville, California, has endowed Mantastic 2006 with a gift certificate for one (1) pound of freshly roasted coffee, courtesy of McLaughlin Coffee Company. The winner of this prize needs to seek out Shaun himself at McLaughlin Coffee Company to collect his winnings, and I believe that said winner should do so with his contest-winning facial hair intact.

Very special thanks to Shaun and all of the great beans at McLaughlin Coffee Company!

(Is that enough of a plug?)

Mantastic Hall Of Fame

2006-01-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

There's been a lot of trash talk and debate within the competition as to who has the best growth so far. The champ will be crowned in roughly two weeks, but it brings up an interesting question: Who are the folks with the best facial hair of all time? Is The Real Selleck worthy? What about Rasputin? Surely our new Patron Saint Sam Elliot is tip-top, but what about Kurt Russel, Steve Carrell, or Mike Ditka? And while we're here, let's throw in Hitler. I had that style suggested by numerous people before the contest started. Is it Mantastic to rock a moustache so completely that nobody else in history will even attempt it or is that something else entirely?

Click the comments button to weigh in with your thoughts. If you've found a link to a particularly good photo, include that, too.

Halfway!

2006-01-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

Not for nothing, but we're halfway, folks! That means that on Championship Monday your final beard will be twice as good as it is now! That's insane. My initial impression is that the competition is going to be thick! Pun most definitely intended!

Be sure to check back in later in the day when we post the photos from Check-In #2!

The Search Is Over! Patron Saint Found!

2006-01-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Samtastic. Sam Elliot has been sporting the world's most amazing moustache for years. With his low-register voice that sounds like sub-terrestrial vibrations from the center of the Earth and that god-head moustache, he'll be handed acting jobs on a silver platter until the day he calls it quits.

Mantastic 2006 is very proud to welcome Sam Elliot as our new Patron Saint. Huzzah!

Get Some Rest!

2006-01-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

Monday's a big day, folks. That's right, it's Mantastic 2006 Check-In #2! Whether you're a contestant or a spectator, you're going to want a good night's sleep under your belt. Trust me now and thank me later.

Sweet dreams, tough guys.

New Prize Donated!

2006-01-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

Oh, happy day! We've just received another generous prize donation. A 100% all-meat Hickory Farms 3-lb. Beef Stick. Unopened! To a Mantastic, the worth of this prize is difficult to gauge. True, it's three pounds of meat, which is easy to quantify, but what is the real value? What is the impact on a Mantastic's life? How fricking cool would it be to win? I can't calculate it, but it's got to be off the charts.

The First Prize package is getting embarrassingly large. What a haul for the winner! It's almost too much.

1. Sum total of all Chicken Fees.
2. The Fantastic Mantastic 2006 Mirror.
3. Arnocorps' latest CD entitled, "The Greatest Band of all Time."
4. One (1) 3-lb. Hickory Farms Beef Stick
5. Two (2) tickets to see Brokeback Mountain, the most critically acclaimed movie of the year.

I need to sit down.

More Mantastic Haiku

2006-01-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

Buying groceries
Used to be a lot of fun
Now I shop online

by Frakes-san