Skunks Are Mantastic

It's the truth.

Last night, as I was taking my dog out for the courtesy pee right before bed, he spied a skunk and went shit-house crazy. He was twisting through the air like a marlin, struggling to get loose from the leash, as I played the fisherman, trying to reel in the big catch. He yanked himself free from his collar and tore off after the skunk into the darkness. I ran after them thinking, "This won't end well," but for all the wrong reasons. A 60 pound maniac dog, single-minded in his purpose, versus a wobbly, slow-moving Earth creature, right? It was going to be a bloodbath. I heard the impact as my kid plowed into the skunk and then I heard nothing. I finally got to the crash site (I have the metabolism of a cheetah, but not the foot speed) just in time to see the skunk sauntering away, as if absolutely nothing at all had happened. He might as well have been wearing a fedora on his head set at a jaunty angle with an overcoat casually slung over his shoulder, whistling a happy tune. But where the @#$ was my kid? Oh, that would be him over there, writhing in pain, foaming at the mouth, desperately trying to get whatever was on him off, and hoarking for all he was worth. Once he got a little composure, he came right to my side (a rarity). He knew he needed help and he needed it right away. Man down! I learned a little something about skunk juice at that moment. It's not just stinky. That stuff is like mace! My boy took a blast of pepper spray right in his wheelhouse and was paying a heavy price. The anguish and puking re-commenced inside the house and lasted another 20 minutes.

Upon reflection, I realized that the skunk was 100% built for that type of scenario. Slow of foot, the skunk would quite naturally be attacked from behind quite often. He's not going to outrun anyone and he knows it. All he has to do is raise his tail and hit the gas at the precise moment that instinct informs him. It's almost unfair how perfect it is. I figure that the impact I heard was all momentum. My boy probably didn't even see the skunk when he hit him, because he was dead blind. A pile of meat shaped like a dog hurtling forward at 20 mph. As aimless as a baby carriage shoved down the Odessa steps.

So let's recap. A gentile, defenseless, and cute little woodland creature takes down a dog five times his size, renders him sick and useless (requiring a team of four tag-teaming adults to give him four baths; three in liquid cleanser, one in tomato juice cocktail), stinks up an entire neighborhood, nearly makes my house uninhabitable, and keeps everyone up until 2 AM. And after two showers of my own and countless washes, my hands still have the taint of skunk.

That is raw power, my friends. That is Mantastic.